Shark Farts!

The first of what I suspect to be many of my favorite 30 Rock quotes:

"There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party because a Liz Lemon party is MANDATORY" - Liz Lemon

"Is this a rule of threes call? I'm going to be at your funeral. I'm going to bury you!" - Betty White to Tracy Jordan

"I'm going to make your heart explode" - Devon Banks to Jack Donaghy

Drunken Disney

These are a collection of quotes from two separate occasions when I found myself intoxicated while watching Disney movies with my dearest Sheepy (Madeline, that's her nickname (don't question it)). By the way, I highly recommend this practice. Disney movies are just so much more entertaining (and dark?) while inebriated.

"It's sand tiger! You just got swallowed by sand tiger! You're dead!" -- Crystal watching Aladdin during the scene where Aladdin is buried in the Cave of Wonders

"Aladdin teaches kids that possessed shit is okay!" -- Crystal reflecting on the morals taught in Aladdin

"Why does the Beast need a prisoner?" -- Madeline watching Beauty and the Beast


"They only loved each other when they were truly themselves... That shit's a moral." -- Crystal watching Beauty and the Beast and reflecting

"He hovered his ass over there!" -- Crystal watching Beauty and the Beast during the scene where the Beast jumps all the way up his grand staircase

"You're not welcome her so get in the basement!" -- Madeline watching Beauty and the Beast imitating the Beast's logic regarding imprisoning Belle's father

Big Three, Little Three

My favorite quotable professor unleashed some gems today in lecture. I dedicate this post to him and a fellow former classmate, roommate and friend, Shelly.

"Papers are like steaks, you want all that meat!" - Jonathan Wender talking about our essays

"Go home and smell the Aspirin." - Jonathan Wender giving us our homework for the long weekend

Birthday Tre

Our waiter at Buca di Beppo was quite the personality. Unbeknowst to him, or knownst depending on who you talk to, he was dropping some pretty incredible "That's what she said" moments. Here's to you, Mr. Waiter, may your life be full of future "That's what she saids."

"I need a landing strip to put this down." - waiter at Buca di Beppo

"Let me take those dirties." - waiter at Buca di Beppo

A Cup of Apples

This past weekend was the Apple Cup in Pullman, WA. For anyone who doesn't know (apparently I have readers in Denmark??), the Apple Cup is the final football game of the season between Washington state rivals, University of Washington and Washington State. With a UW win this year, I heard a plethora of hilarious chants, drunken exclamations and words of wisdom. You decide which is which.

"My hair! I need to shave it." - Madeline Gagner, sober

"You know what? I just want a snack." - Madeline Gagner, drunk

"I don't listen to not Dave." - Crystal Komenda (Yeah, I quoted myself. Get over it.)

"Pullman sucks! Pullman sucks!" - UW student section chant during the 4th quarter of play

"UW rejects! UW rejects!" - UW student section chant while WSU football team ran onto the field

"Sark must have the biggest fucking cock." - Guy in front of me in reaction to Coach Sark going for it on 4th and 1

Ode to Allan

Allan is my amazing step-dad. He's probably one of the most subtly funny people in my life. His sense of humor is on par with mine and he says some of the greatest things. It's time the world find out about the one and only Allan Broda.

"I'm reaching for the stars!" - Allan Broda holding a star shaped cookie over his head

"I say, 'No piggy! Get off the couch!'" - Allan reenacting his conversations with his pet pig, Percy

Questioning Humor

Here's a collection of humorous questions I've heard, some older, some from earlier today. Enjoy, my readers, laugh your little hearts out (but not literally, because that's disgusting).

"So, where you guys from?" - Brian, asked about a dozen times in the span of about an hour

"Why don't you go back to where you came from?" - Customer taking to my boss

Paul: "So what are those beds like?"

Kimberly: "It's like sleeping on a cloud!"

Brian: "How many times have you slept on a cloud, Kimberly?"

WAYNE DAWSON

This post deserves an introduction. While in Charlottesville, Virginia with my roommates to see Dave Matthews Band, we met a most intriguing man by the name of Wayne Dawson. I believe we had at least a 15 minute conversation with him. I cannot attest to his sobriety (he must have left it at home), but his state did lead to some amazingly hilarious quotable quotes. I will never forget you, Wayne Dawson.

"WAYNE DAWSON! What are you going to do with me? Love me!" - Wayne Dawson introducing himself

"Beautiful, beautiful fuckin' people." - Wayne Dawson

"No more 'r' words. Rainbows!" - Wayne Dawson, whispered

A Glorious Rebirth

Due to sheer negligence, I have almost completely abandon this blog. Shame is all I feel. SHAME!

I am quite passionate about quotes, even more so when someone completely spontaneously says something hilarious. Especially if they don't realize how funny they are. I'm constantly surrounded by people who make me laugh everyday, so why haven't I updated this thing. I blame Twitter. 

My new promise: to update this blog daily. You, my loyal (pretend you are loyal) readers, deserve a daily dose of light-heartedness. I know you count on my to supply you with your joy in life (let me dream, people).

Enjoy this week old quote from one of my favorite sources of comedic material to start off the rebirth of this glorious blog:

"I have a really bad stubbed toe right now, so toes are on my mind" - Jonathan Wender, mid-lecture

Grey Street

"There's an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in. And though it's red blood bleeding from her now, it's more like cold blue ice in her heart. She feels like kickin' out all the windows, and setting fire to this life. She would change everything about her using colors bold and bright, but all the colors mix together to grey. And it breaks her heart." - Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band

Spirit of the season, nipping at our heals

"I really wish there was salt on this. I still definitely wish this had salt." - Kimberly Redding eating apple-rasin toast

"Ooooh, she just called you a bitch! Boom, roasted!" - Kimberly Redding

"I'm gonna write to Kyle on a plate! Um, but really. I'm gonna write to him on a plate." - Kimberly Redding

"You're going to fucking write that too! Shit! I gotta go." - Kimberly Redding

Possibly the best thing I've heard a professor say. Ever.

"Don't complain about already finishing your paper. You should stop talking about it in front of your classmates or you might get lynched" - Noam Pianko

Thank you for an awesome class this quarter, Professor!

Gamblin' man

Cody: "So, when I was at the blackjack table earlier and this big Samoan guy sat down next to me. At least I think he was Samoan. Actually, I don't know if he was or not, I just said he was..."

Crystal: "Okay..."

Cody: "Anyway, this guy next to me saw my wrist band... You know, the one you have to wear if you're under 21?"

Crystal: "Yeah..."

Cody: "Yeah, and he saw the wrist band and said 'So the EQC wouldn't let you in?' EQC stands for Emerald Queen Casino."

Crystal: "I know..."

Cody: "I was just checking. Anyway the guy said that and I was like, 'No.' (pause) Wow, I really thought that was going to be a better story"

Crystal: *wild laughter*

Full of Mayhem

"Oh and the knees! Feel them" - Kimberly Redding

"Crystal, you don't have socks on." - Kimberly Redding

"Wait... Stop it... Don't make me nervous..." - Kimberly Redding

Professors = best quotes

"What kind of poppycock is this?" - Noam Pianko

"My neighbors are complete freakers!" - Noam Pianko

"And everyone drunk a tall!" - Noam Pianko

Uta, how I miss thee

"I have now been struck by the cold that has been going around here" - Uta Poiger

"I'm afraid I'm going to get into a cough attack" - Uta Poiger

Note: Only Kimberly will think these are funny.

That's going in my blog right now

"I don't want to leave my cocoon of warmth right now" -- Madeline Gagner

"Oh my God, my cocoon is breaking!" -- Madeline Gagner

Oh my God!

"It had part of its life and probably some babies and then died IN MY BED, WHERE I SLEEP" -- Kimberly Redding upon finding a dead spider in her bed

Stew, you slay me!

"I sent a bunch of emails out the same day and he responded first. Within 15 minutes actually, which suggests he has little else going on" -- Stew Tolnay remarking on his email correspondence with a collegue

"Are you interested to know why I know that? No? The correct answer is 'Yes, Stew, I am very interested to know why'" -- Stew Tolnay

"It's like a curtain lifting because you new know things about social inquiry you never knew before! Try to contain your excitement about this" -- Stew Tolnay

A picture's worth a 1000 words

Crystal Komenda: "Don't be sad you can't hang out with me all weekend"
Matt Brown: "I am devastated. I'll print your picture and tape it to my seat and pretend to talk to you"